Thursday, September 17, 2009
Suddenly I yearn for many stuff especially food. Omg, I yearn for steamboat and satay and kimchi soup and sugarcane drink and roti prata and bbq sliced fish etc etc. I doubt if my tummy can store them all but my mind is already filled with them and their aroma just stuck in my nose. Oh no, I think I'm being poisoned, 'food poisoning'.
Occupy a round table with only one butt, mug at the forth floor where only wind being the accompany, practise serving marking the entire tennis court as my 'territory' has been what I am doing since entering the gate. It acts like 'hell' gate to me where I'll be stuck for two years. I hope it pass faster and faster each day but my brain will suffer trying to accommodate the speed. Unfortunately, time is moving faster than me. In fact, it is like accelerating in an exponential rate but I am 'retardating' in diminishing rate Yup, the speed may just disappear and I will be at rest.
Vns says she is weird but how can she be weirder than me. The class must be thinking why I am so weird, why I take things so seriously even in some ridiculous competition, why I dun laugh and chat with them, why I'm not interested in any topic in their conversation, why I dun like to lose. Perhaps they dun even think. They are just fine with me isolating myself.
Yesterday I had a willful thought. And I fulfilled the thought by skipping cca. First time in 3 years that I skip a traininbg without any valid reason, without any sickness. I was merely tired and sleepy and couldn't stand the computer screen staring at me with such high light intensity. Then I escaped from school as soon as the bell rang. My cca leader called me half an hour after the training started. I naturally left it in the room and deliberately not to check for calls. Then this morning after alighting mrt, I saw him, I thought I could walk away unknowingly but was caught as soon as he tapped on my shoulder. Unlike the expected, he understood my reason since I worked extremely hard the entire week of last week. But still, I was quite stunned when he mentioned that I should at least inform him and he would let me go. Was tat a compensation for supporting your leader towards his goal and feel even more depressed when it failed?
I wanted to do a lot of things such as getting early dismissal form when I'm not sick. So many of them tried that but I didn't. I crawled to school when I was half dead. For the fact that no one will be generous enough to teach me whatever I had missed.
I need to endure for 2 more days before my friend can accompany me to canteen. Without her, I will be practically 'living' alone in school. You know how it feels like. Like you are the loneliest person in the world!!
I know I am weird to behave like that this days. But since in future I can't get to choose my working partners, I really want to choose my classmates. And since I can't even choose my classmates I should have full authority to choose my friends and those whom I wish to talk. Willful and obstinate I may seem, I dun care. There may not be any more chance to be willful again. I am already seventeen.
When I was thirteen I thought there was still a long way to go. At fifteen I thought I was still young and could still act childishly (in the absence of family). Then when I turned seventeen I truly realised there is no turn back and there is no reason to act without careful consideration.
Oh ya, I forsee myself becoming a spendthrift in the extremely near future (actually I am already now) so earning lots and lots of money shall be my life goal. Before achieving that, I must must must must get into Uni.
Oh god, please give me the heart to mug.
Maybe I should have spent the hour writing GP essay.
Poor Lijing
Literally and economically poor
